Church

Mom: Isaac, what did you learn in church today?
Isaac: I learned that my teachers cry whenever they talk about Jesus.

BEER

Eliza: Mom, does Santa Claus drink beer?
Mom: I don't know. I hope not, because I don't want him driving his sleigh with beer in his body!
Eliza: Well, he doesn't have a steering wheel; so he can drink beer!

BATHROOM NOISES

We were in the public restroom and lady in the stall next to Eliza tooted. Eliza yelled out to me, "Somebody just snorted!"

SNEAK TREATS

Eliza: "Mom, when I was in your belly, I sneaked treats from you!"

SMILE

Mom: So, did you like playing in the concert tonight?
Isaac: Yeah, but I had to bite my cheeks so that I wouldn't smile.

BEDTIME STALL

Eliza (as I was walking out of her room at bedtime): Wait mom. I have a secret.
Mom: What's your secret?
Eliza: Come here so I can tell you.
Mom: Okay. What's your secret?
Eliza: I need to do something with my body.
Mom: What do you need to do with your body?
Eliza: I need to wiggle it.
Mom: Okay. Wiggle it.
Eliza: It's a special wiggle talent that won't fit on my bed.
Mom: Where do you need to do your special wiggle talent?
Eliza: Off the bed.

So I turn on the light and tell her to do her special wiggle talent. She climbs off the bed and does some karate moves for about 10 seconds; then she climbs back in bed, pulls the covers up, and says, "Goodnight, Mom!"

ARMADILLO

Eliza: Grandma, we need an armadillo!
Grandma: Why do you need an armadillo?
Eliza: Because armadillos eat grubs, and we have grubs in our garden!
Grandma: Where are you going to get an armadillo?
Eliza: At the zoo!